Football is afflicted by many and various kinds of fraud. Ranging from peccadilloes to outright perversions, they haunt the jogo bonito we all know and love. Fraudulence is not just a property of individuals – clubs and even leagues can fall prey to this curse. Below I outline some of those whom I consider enemies of futebol; it is not exhaustive.
I will supply a more detailed typology of the many various subcategories of fraud, pervert &c. at a later date. I likewise leave out those whom I deem merely “washed”; senescence is a tragedy but not a disgrace.
A Non-Exhaustive List of Frauds (With Explanations Where Appropriate)
Jürgen Norbert “Kloop” Klopp
Jürgen Kloop is one of the great frauds of our time. Bought a Premier League title when his board broke the transfer record for two different positions in six months, he has latterly found himself utterly carried by Mohamed Salah. The bold “heavy metal football” of his carefree younger days has succumbed to dull pragmatism. Players have been exhausted, washed before their time, through overplaying. Pep Guardiola changed the Premier League; the Premier League has changed, further enfraudened, Jürgen Kloop.
Bruno “Penandes” Fernandes
The epitome of a passion merchant, it must be said that Bruno Penandes has made positive contributions too. He dragged Manchester United, at times almost single-handedly, to the Champions League spots in his first half-season in England. But the years since have not been kind to the Penandes aura. Increasingly obviously dependent on penalties to stat-pad, the decline of the “United Way” (intimidating or bribing referees into compliance) this season has left him a man adrift, reduced to trying speculative shots from range and miscued long passes. Those who have observed Penandes in a Portugal shirt have long known him for what he truly is; now England, too, is awake to Bruno Penandes’ fraudulence.
Gareth “Frank de Boro” Southgate
Gareth Southgate is a busted flush. Having ridden an absurdly kind draw to a World Cup semi-final in 2018, the European Championships this summer offered a chance to make his mark on history. And he did. In the European Championship Final, Gareth Southgate’s England faced off against Italy. That Italy side have, among other games, managed two (2) goals in four games against Switzerland, Northern Ireland and Bulgaria. But for the last 90 minutes of the Final, Gareth Southgate made them look like one of the greatest teams ever to grace the game. In almost a carbon-copy of the 2018 World Cup semi-final, he choked. He bottled it. Arguably the tournament’s finest squad succumbed to penalties, Southgate’s decision to have the last three spot-kicks taken by young players the last in a long line of truly baffling decisions. England’s squad at the 2022 World Cup will likely be the strongest at the tournament, and under Southgate’s inept stewardship they will likely once again limp out in the semi-finals.
Christian Pulisic
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Mauricio Pochettino
Mauricio Pochettino took over Paris Saint-Germain halfway through last season. At the time they were 1 point behind leaders Lille. At the end of the season they were 1 point behind champions Lille. Pochettino built on this remarkable feat by losing this season’s Trophée des Champions final to Lille, whose new manager Jocelyn Gourvennec had last managed minnows Guingamp two years prior. These achievements bookended a humiliating Champions League exit to Manchester City. PSG have once again become a domestic steamroller this season, but if anything look even weaker on the continental stage. Pochettino has one of the very finest squads in Europe at his disposal and has so far, despite vast expense, only managed to make of them a more brittle and mentally weaker unit than the one he inherited.
LaLiga
Atlético Madrid won LaLiga at a canter last season. They are awful. Real Madrid will win LaLiga at a canter this season – a season where they contrived to lose at home in Europe to Sheriff Tiraspol, a team based in an unrecognised secessionist state. Barcelona have endured a terrible financial crisis, lost the best player of all time and are still set fair to make the European places. Ossified by the long dominance of Real and Barça, LaLiga’s biggest teams are now financially exhausted wrecks whose ritual humiliations in Europe have become a running joke. This would have been unforeseeable even a few years ago, but it is undeniable.
